one more thing to do

Why, oh why, did I start a blog? I'm not a talented writer. And it's just one more thing to do. As if there's not enough already! Well, I guess it might help me blow off steam and since I am about to embark on a stressful stage of my life (AKA Residency) I figured why not. Plus, I doubt anyone will read it so if I ramble needlessly I don't have to apologize to anyone!

I've always had intentions of keeping a journal but it usually lasts a max of 2 days so hopefully that won't happen here. Only time will tell.

The title of my blog stems from something that I need to work on, and that is I need to stay off the sidelines of my life. I need to live it. Every moment. Not later, or someday, but now. I wasted a lot of time in the past (with Brandon, if we have to spell it out) and I missed out on way too much of life in general. I didn't experience things or spend time with people because of my suffering for his mistakes. I want more than anything to put that behind me. I think I have, but I still need daily reminders to get out there and live. Nobody else is going to do it for me!

So staying off the sidelines is goal number one. Goal number two is to love myself. Wow, doesn't that sound vain! I just mean I want to accept myself for who I am. For some unknown reason I seem to never be satisfied with myself or my accomplishments. I ran a marathon. Not hard enough. I did an Ironman. Not fast enough. I graduated from medical school. If I don't enter the most competitive specialty people will look down on me. These are the thoughts that go through my head! Why can't I just accept less than absolutely perfect? How am I supposed to enjoy life if nothing I or anyone else does is ever good enough? I mean what's next? Everest? Then what! And I am obviously not going to climb Everest, because it would be too cold. So when will I finally be happy and proud of myself? I don't know but I am trying. I am trying to find joy in things that are not measurable. Hanging out with friends, playing with my dog, and reading fun books, for example. Not in my 5K time. I am more than that and I just need to get used to that idea so I fully embrace it!