i kick butt

I woke up super early for a Sunday and did my lovely rounds at the VA, then skated out just in time so break the speed limit so I could make it to the start of the PCC group ride. We did 57.5 miles in 2:50, averaging like 20.1. The race team guys were impressed that I could hang with them and even was in the front a bit, and they think I should join their racing team. They have a very small women's team, aka 2 riders. Maybe they're just desperate but I'd like to think they have faith I would do them proud. After all, they have sponsors and everything, so you can't suck too bad since you get free gear to show up and race. The only issue would be time commitment, since I am kind of owned by Baylor right now. But if it can be done, I will squeeze it in to my schedule, because that's how I roll.

Back in the swing

Yay, I joined a gym today! I decided it was necessary since I am going to be in the hospital during the coolest daylight hours (morning). I kept meaning to go running this week but I am either too hungry right after work or it is too hot or it's dark. So I ran 40 minutes on the dreadmill today, and although slightly boring, it felt good. The cardio equipment at my gym overlooks a 50-m pool! So tomorrow I may go swimming. That's awesome because in Indy, there were 2 separate facilities for the pool and the gym, and that meant 2 membership fees. Now I have it all in one. And they have nice private showers so I can go early in the a.m. when it's dark and then shower before work. I think I have gained a few pounds since Ironman so this was a key move for me! Now I don't have any excuses though.... :)

Damned if you do, damned if you don't

Multiple times this week our team (plastic surgery) experienced this conundrum. We have one elderly patient that just had surgery a week ago, and he has an artificial valve in his heart so he takes coumadin (a blood thinner) on a regular basis. This predisposes him to bleeding problems. After the surgery he developed a hematoma in his wound and had to go back to the OR to evacuate it. Every time we try to get him back to his usual dose of coumadin, he bleeds from somewhere. But he has to have it or he could get a clot in his heart valve and have a stroke and die. What is usually a routine postoperative course has gotten this man 5 blood transfusions and an extra week and a half in the hospital (so far).

That's just one example but if you think about it this type of problem is frequently encountered in medicine. Drugs have side effects. Surgeries have complications. Patients are not textbooks. For every action there is a reaction, and it is not always beneficial. These situations make me realize that there really is an art to medicine. There's no algorithm for what to do NOW with our bleeding patient beyond vague recommendations, yet we have to deal with it. We are still dealing with it.

I feel like a lot of choices in life are between the lesser of two evils. Either the patient will bleed or clot. Which do we choose?

I want to ride my bicycle...

Against my better judgment, I rode with the Pearland Cycling club today. The reason this is questionable is that I am still not 100% after Ironman CDA and I haven't ridden at all since then. They usually break up into groups, and I usually average over 20mph. For 40-50 miles. Including stops. Normally this is a great training pace and I love it. But I kind of pictured my first ride back just being more like an easy spin, not rocking the recovery boat so much. There are slower riders that I could have hung with, but alas, I just couldn't help myself, and I sped on.

Surprise! I did awesome! We rode 54 miles, and for about the last 6 or so I did feel like I might pass away (note the euphemism) but otherwise I was strong and even pulled for a little while at 22mph. I also met more people which is always good. We ended up averaging 20.5 and I was pretty pleased with that considering it was hotter than Hades!

However now my legs feel tired, so I think tomorrow will be a yoga day.

one more thing to do

Why, oh why, did I start a blog? I'm not a talented writer. And it's just one more thing to do. As if there's not enough already! Well, I guess it might help me blow off steam and since I am about to embark on a stressful stage of my life (AKA Residency) I figured why not. Plus, I doubt anyone will read it so if I ramble needlessly I don't have to apologize to anyone!

I've always had intentions of keeping a journal but it usually lasts a max of 2 days so hopefully that won't happen here. Only time will tell.

The title of my blog stems from something that I need to work on, and that is I need to stay off the sidelines of my life. I need to live it. Every moment. Not later, or someday, but now. I wasted a lot of time in the past (with Brandon, if we have to spell it out) and I missed out on way too much of life in general. I didn't experience things or spend time with people because of my suffering for his mistakes. I want more than anything to put that behind me. I think I have, but I still need daily reminders to get out there and live. Nobody else is going to do it for me!

So staying off the sidelines is goal number one. Goal number two is to love myself. Wow, doesn't that sound vain! I just mean I want to accept myself for who I am. For some unknown reason I seem to never be satisfied with myself or my accomplishments. I ran a marathon. Not hard enough. I did an Ironman. Not fast enough. I graduated from medical school. If I don't enter the most competitive specialty people will look down on me. These are the thoughts that go through my head! Why can't I just accept less than absolutely perfect? How am I supposed to enjoy life if nothing I or anyone else does is ever good enough? I mean what's next? Everest? Then what! And I am obviously not going to climb Everest, because it would be too cold. So when will I finally be happy and proud of myself? I don't know but I am trying. I am trying to find joy in things that are not measurable. Hanging out with friends, playing with my dog, and reading fun books, for example. Not in my 5K time. I am more than that and I just need to get used to that idea so I fully embrace it!